When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Randomize
