Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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