What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
