i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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