i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
