I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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