I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
