ya dads aren't the best wingmen
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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