Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm passing your future prison.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
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the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
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I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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