I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
