Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
