Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
