I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
