also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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