Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize