Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
