i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
