I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
