I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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