Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
