Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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