So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
