are you still at the devil's house?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
