I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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