I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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