yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
