so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
