if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
