dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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