sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
