So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
