Sry I called you an 8
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
