Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
