I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
