I take back everything I said about communal showers
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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