I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
