Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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