you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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