im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
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I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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