everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
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