I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
