Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
