Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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