just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
