am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
