Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
