his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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