Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
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You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN