After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
