do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
