we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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