When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
