i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
