If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i now understand why vodka
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
