I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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