She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
