Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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